It is easy to charge people to do good without expecting accolades from others. That’s presumably an honorable path towards goodwill. As humans, we are built to be watered and bear fruit. It is easy to perform good deeds to strangers or acquaintances without expecting gratitude in return (most of us still require a “thank you”), but when you have an unappreciative partner who constantly trivializes your efforts, this can drain a person of all vibrancy.
What do you do in this case? Continue your fruitless martyrdom journey or cut back on your efforts? T.’s no one who got into a relationship with hopes of dealing with an ungrateful partner. Someone who turns a blind eye to all positives and magnifies the negatives. A person who sees you as a monster with two horns, rather than an angel with a halo.
Of course, you are not perfect. You have weaknesses, like everyone else, but if you’re constantly making efforts and sacrifices for a partner that would throw it back at your face, the feeling cuts pretty deep. T. are a few emotional knives that can nag at your core such as this. Is it the feeling of betrayal? The shock from their icy words? The fact that you “choose” to choose them instead of yourself? The pain and shock from realizing that perhaps you made a mistake choosing them or doing those things for them? It’s an avalanche of emotions rolling down through tears as they rest on your quivering lips.
To deal with an ungrateful partner is another form of heartbreak I do not wish upon my worst enemy. It kills slowly but surely—a slow sure poison.
Check out 5 ways you can deal with an ungrateful partner…
#1. Ignore entitlement
Yes, your partner is unappreciative about the things you do for them, but being entitled albeit your right might be met with disappointment and eventually resentment. To your partner, these gestures might seem more like a transaction than well-meaning. The trick . is to choose ways to support your partner without being burdened or expecting reciprocation. Let me explain; maybe in “helping” your spouse, it robs them off control. So be sure to help when they need it, and would interpret it as a help, rather than a low-key reciprocation match or a bid to infantilize them.
Also, when you do what you can, it might reduce the pain of being an overlooked martyr who demands gratitude in return. This might sound defeatist, but if you are going to make sacrifices and feel unappreciated when it’s not acknowledged, even regrets, then maybe it’s time to loosen the reins and focus on other productive ventures that won’t drain you of energy.
#2. Understand the reason why
T. is a principle of cause and effect. This means t. might be an underlying reason behind your partner’s constant toxic actions, and being aware of the root cause might finally be one of the tell-tale ways to deal with an ungrateful partner. Factors like troubled childhood experiences, failed relationships in the past, a controlling personality. While this is not an excuse for bad behavior, and if you are in an abusive relationship, get help from the right authorities. Sometimes, the root cause might label you the contributor to this chaotic situation.
Maybe you have been micromanaging your partner or infantilizing them, whatever the outcome of your findings, treat them with maturity and communicate respectfully.
#3. Recognize gas lighting and say no
T.’s a thing called burnout when a person constantly gives without refueling themselves. Eventually, the burnout phase is inevitable. If you have to deal with an ungrateful partner all the time, maybe it is time to think of yourself. T. are cases w. a person empties their pockets, emotions, and mental health to please a gaslighting partner. “Oh dear, that’s not how it happened. You always cause me so much emotional stress that it’s hard to see these good deeds you claim to do for me. Please, don’t do any more for me, I can fix my life. It is definitely not what happened, why do you like to lie? You must be delusional.”
• Stand your ground, especially if you are being bullied or manipulated.
• Keep records not maliciously, but for future evidence.
• Refuse to be drawn into the quicksand of heated arguments.
• If communicating how you feel is not working, and instead your partner trivializes the situation without remorse, then maybe it’s time to consider your options and have a solid plan.
#4. Prioritize yourself for a change
Do you remember what it feels like to be happy in a relationship? To be with someone who appreciates you? Who genuinely pays compliments and notices your new hairstyle? Who says thank you when you help offset his part of the bills? My guess is no!
• Write a list of what you want in a relationship.
• Write down your hobbies (also the ones you haven’t indulged in a while).
• Strike something off your wish list. Maybe a new car or a trip. Anita always had to dig into her savings to help her financially unstable partner, but he was too entitled to be grateful. She decided to prioritize herself, and with self-control, she finally bought herself a good car and a trip to the Maldives. Of course, he was livid; “You are out . buying a car and taking trips when I need capital to start a business? You don’t want to see me succeed.”
#5. Accept that you cannot change anyone
The honest truth is “love covers a multitude of sins”, but when love fades, what clamps you together? Hope, perhaps. “He will change. Maybe if I stuck around a little longer. Maybe I’m not doing enough. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I’m a nag”. The bitter truth is you cannot change your partner, but you can change your .s and responses. This is dicey but worth a try. Sometimes, when your .s change, your partner also acts differently. Let’s hope this change is for the better.
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